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:: bAnal Probe ::

"Love to love, not to be loved" - Spahn Ranch
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:: Friday, March 28, 2003 ::

It's apparent to me that blogging has become some sort of therapeutic outlet for me. I've been without access to my regular blog for 2 days now, and as much as I miss having the outlet, I also miss the input of comments and hits. I wonder if it's unhealthy to have such an intense need to be heard and be responded to, even reacted to. Is this a basic human need, with the typical variances dependant upon personality...or is it an imbalance on my part that I need to correct using some other means?

I'm climbing the walls here without the availability of my usual mode of expression. I don't know what to do with myself and all of my thoughts that crop up during the day. Somehow, it's not enough to merely write them down anymore without sharing them.
:: drublood 10:38 AM [+] ::

I had a very disturbing dream last night. our house had rats. Actually, the rats had created a nest right in the open, on my bed. There were two adult rats and three HUGE baby rats. I had called someone, and they had told me that for every rat that I see, there are 10 rats that I don't.

So I brought my dog into the room, not the dog I have now, but Cash, my dog who died of cancer a few years ago. When she entered the room, all of the rats scattered except for the smallest (but still huge) baby rat. Cash spoke to me, and said, I will get that least that will be one that I can get. And she grabbed the baby rat and sunk her teeth into it.

The rat was still alive, and it looked at us with eyes which were hauntingly pleading and fearful. Cash continued to talk to me. She said "I'm going to take care of this" and she shook the rat violently back and forth.

The rat refused to die, so Cash once more turned to me and said "I'm going to take care of this" and once again I noticed a look of absolute fear and innocence in the eyes of the rat as Cash finally killed it by biting down on its head and hitting its body against to wooden porch, breaking its back.
:: drublood 9:41 AM [+] ::
Hey everyone. I have come back here to post my anti-war rants because full bleed is currently out of service, and the alternate location is also temporarily down. I'll be back with more later.
:: drublood 9:27 AM [+] ::
:: Monday, May 13, 2002 ::
Psst...I snuck out over the weekend and moved in with those zany hooligans at

You can come watch the paint dry with me while my hostess and moving crew recovers from a mother's day of drunken debauchery. I've slapped a few things on the walls. You can also sit and reminisce with me about this week in 1999, or I'll tell you what I did on Mother's day. If you're really bored, you might read up on what I've been reading, listening to, eating, and reading to the children.

It's all sorts of fun at full bleed. Race ya there!
:: drublood 4:39 PM [+] ::
:: Friday, May 10, 2002 ::
Listening to a tape of old 80's music

Would it be overly-sentimental of me to state that all of the secrets to life are revealed in the lyrics of this cheesy pop song by Stephen Duffy?

Icing on the Cake

Baby let me make you a statue
To stand outside the council house
To stand as a reminder
Of what you are and what you want to be

I want to live with you
Want to sleep with you
In a house in a peaceful world
They want to take you
They want to break you
Don't let them make you unhappy

You are the icing on the cake
The party on the street
The love we cannot fake
The truth you cannot cheat

You were left on the doorstep
Of the social security
You were hoping for a future as someone
Not just a leisure refugee
I'd always saw you as a fighter and a winner
Not content to only write your name
Their right way is the wrong way
For what you are and what you were born to be

Born to be young and free
To be young and wise
Not to listen to all their lies
Don't let them take you
Don't let them break you
Don't let them make you unhappy

Here we come waltzing home
By the moon so bright
By the sea by the harbour wall
They want to take you
They want to break you
Shape you and make you unhappy

:: drublood 2:13 PM [+] ::
:: Thursday, May 09, 2002 ::
I found this very uplifting and beautiful
:: drublood 8:18 PM [+] ::
I THINK This Means We're Doing Something Right

Today, while talking to Monk about random facts, I discovered that he knows that the sun is the closest star and that the moon does not shine, but reflects light from the sun. I discovered he can add and subtract numbers from 1-10, and that he knows that 9 dimes make 90 cents.

I also learned that he has no idea what the word "weekend" means. I think this is the best thing of all.
:: drublood 7:24 PM [+] ::
The fact that urSkek now has a blog (and that I no longer have to live with the mystery of what she will name the new baby) had me thinking about cool names while I was walking today. Here are some of my favorites

  • Timely Rain, Noble Song, Sagacious Star (urSkek's kids)
  • Monk Andrew, Cole Sequoia Lark (Hey! I wouldn't have named them that if I didn't like the names!)
  • Criterion Sojourner (an old friend of mine)
  • Daven Nomad (another old friend)
  • Imagine (I don't know his middle name, but I find myself thinking of this name a lot)
  • Thelonious Spike (born on the same day, three years after, Monk was born)

    (and here's where I draw a blank, even though I thought of thousands of them while I was walking. I'll probably come back to this...)
    :: drublood 9:20 AM [+] ::
  • There are precious few things in the world that are cuter than walking into a bedroom where an 18-month old child is sitting cross-legged on the floor "reading" brown bear, brown bear, what do you see.

    :: drublood 8:20 AM [+] ::
    another cool blog...
    :: drublood 8:13 AM [+] ::
    ... I'm cleaning out my e-mail's an good site on natural pest control
    :: drublood 2:11 AM [+] ::

    In case anyone thinks I reserve ALL my loathing for public school teachers, I offer this site, which was presented as a "good learning tool" on one of my homeschool lists. Yeah. Great. Let's get them brainwashed just as fast as possible.

    I remember a few years ago, when I was new to the homeschooling lists that I'm on, I got into a HUGE fight about whether or not it was appropriate to use material created by the Dairy and Meat Associations to teach children about nutrition. Um. HELLO people.
    :: drublood 1:49 AM [+] ::
    :: Wednesday, May 08, 2002 ::
    Topics I WANT to blog about when I'm all moved:

  • This whole electronic media and our children thing
  • Car Free (or Car Reduced)
  • The Freaking Garden (or, why the hell is there such a thing as bermuda grass?)
  • OK, I did write a review of that Rites of Spring record...just need to type it in
  • Recipes for the two dishes I made simultaneously yesterday (because I'm such a multi-tasker and stuff): Sun-dried tomato pasta salad, and pico de gallo.

    Have I mentioned how much I utterly love, adore, and absolutely worship pea and kd? (insert sounds of loud, juicy ass-kissing) (OK, maybe juicy was a bit too graphic...)
    :: drublood 5:19 PM [+] ::
  • The Family Blood

    :: drublood 5:05 PM [+] ::
    :: Tuesday, May 07, 2002 ::
    Coming Soon...

    full bleed: confessions of a zine girl.

    Thanks to Pea, KD, and Movable Type
    :: drublood 9:28 PM [+] ::
    I'm definitely going to have to come back to another time...I think I'd like to discuss it a little, too.
    :: drublood 7:33 PM [+] ::
    Monk says he has something to listen up!

    Even no I sometimes break some of Cole's toys, I still love him.

    That's all.
    :: drublood 10:37 AM [+] ::
    Just on a lark, I decided to see if there was a Profane Existence Home Page...and THERE IS! AND - they're going to start releasing new issues again in the summer.

    :: drublood 9:24 AM [+] ::
    On a more uplifting note...

    I got a call tonight from my friend Kera, who I haven't had the opportunity to talk to in...gosh...has it been years? A year? She's getting a book together & I'm really looking forward to seeing it. She's currently playing in this band and I'm currently wondering where my free copy of that EP is, MIZ Schaley. You know you are not allowed to release anything creative without hooking me up. To the post office with you, my dear! I promise I will review it and all of my adoring fans will flock to record stores all over to buy it.

    I also am feeling all famous and stuff because Allyson (I hope I'm not revealing a secret identity by doing that...)interviewed me for the 1983 issue of diecastgarden. Why me? Oh, I slept my way to the top. Don't tell anyone, OK? I want people to think I'm legit.
    :: drublood 12:42 AM [+] ::
    And this quote is for fertile_jim...

    "If you assume there is no hope, you guarantee there will be no hope." -Noam Chomsky.
    :: drublood 12:21 AM [+] ::
    and then there's this site, which included this picture by walter anderson:

    :: drublood 12:16 AM [+] ::
    Looking for something beautiful to end my day:

    I found this site
    And this picture
    kenneth patchen

    and this story about Kenneth's wife (who I have always envied).
    :: drublood 12:13 AM [+] ::
    :: Monday, May 06, 2002 ::
    I'm still really distraught about the 5-year old kid playing Grand Theft Auto 3. I have left comments at the site, and the woman who is in the proximity of this kid (it's actually her brother's girlfriend's kid) is saying that she doesn't necessarily agree that it's a good thing for him to be playing, but she can't do anything about it. Can she? Who will?

    Sincerely, I'm not big on criticizing parents because it's a fuck of a difficult job...but certainly there's something that can be done to educate the mom on why it's a really bad idea to allow a 5-year access to this type of "entertainment." I'm trying to figure out what I can say to help this woman figure out what to say to the mom. Maybe "Hey...I read somewhere that in the first 7 years of a child's life, the brain is being hard-wired...and it's important to pay attention to the input there because it can cause a lot of problems later in life..." Is there a brochure I can e-mail her? Something? Anything?

    Is there someone out there who can give me a reason why it's no big deal for a small child to be exposed to this? I mean, watching a video game person beat a prostitute with a bat to get his money back? Can someone tell me that I shouldn't feel sickshaky depressed about this? Because I respect that the woman who wrote about it feels like there's nothing that she can do...she says she doesn't "really" have "proximity" because she's only been around this kid for a few days...but if not her...who?

    Because...reallyhonestlytruly I think it's abuse. I do. I'm not sure that it's intentional. But it's freaking me out like I'm watching a film of someone being beaten and I CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. I'm trying not to think about it...but that only makes me think about it more. And everything else I've written since that entry seems trite and dismissive of this very real issue.

    I need to go play with my children. I don't know what else to say. I'm trying not to freak out about this any more than I already have.

    It's worse than a fucking suicide blog...because the kid doesn't even know he's being harmed.
    :: drublood 2:51 PM [+] ::
    I love the colors in's nice to look at and easy to read...
    :: drublood 9:01 AM [+] ::
    Comments by: YACCS

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